One time in college I found a spray-painted rock that said CHOMPER about the size of a couple hamburgers on the ground. So I picked it up and took it to my dorm, because it wasn’t supposed to be there. It later occurred to me that I didn’t know what to do with it or who to return it to. So I started using it as a doorstop.
Apparently that rock belonged to a fraternity boy whose Christian name was “CHOMPER.” CHOMPER was very upset that someone took his rock from the pile of fraternity boy rocks. I didn’t take CHOMPER’s rock from the pile though, someone else did. I just picked it up. I only found this out because my RA was dating a boy in CHOMPER’s fraternity, and she happened to see my doorstop.
However, my RA was currently failing out of college and left a few days later and I never got any more details on who CHOMPER was in the noumenal world, or even what fraternity he belonged to. I had no desire to inconvenience myself by seeking out someone who was mad at me. Also I forgot about it. And CHOMPER’s rock was a good doorstop.
Sorry CHOMPER. I’m pretty sure I still have your rock somewhere. Or I lost it.
The best rock I ever had was a granite boulder named for its shape and weight. It was about the size of a large couch and the weight of a car (which is to say, huge and heavy). When I left my house one day I found that this rock had been knocked off the side of a tall cliff, and when I went out looking for it I could not find it again. So I came back to my room and told my parents “I got rid of my ‘rock’ boulder.” My parents asked why, and I told them, “I got rid of my 'rock’ boulder because I didn’t know what to do with it.”
“Do you still have it?”
“I think so,” I said.
It turned out that I still had this huge boulder in the garden where it grew on the lawn, out of sight, and I never moved it. So I am not 100% sure it was gone, but I am 100% sure I gave it away.
In retrospect, I should have taken this boulder. It would have been great for crushing other people’s cars, like I was getting crushed by my own car with it in this story. Maybe I would have been happier without it. I really should have taken the boulder.









